My days have sort of blurred together lately it seems like. It's just one thing after another, and last night was no different. For the first time, in a LONG time I felt... fear.
I'm sure everyone feels afraid at one time or another in their life, but I was just consumed with fear I felt like there was no happy ending. I just kept crying and crying and crying until well I exhausted what I could. Then it would just start again. I couldn't explain why I was so afraid, considering everything I believe in and all the people who love me I just felt well...hopeless.
No matter what B would say I would just counter it with something pessimistic, with a well that won't work out, or that's not going to work, and I think one time I thought it's not worth it. Then I just cried some more because I was feeling so frustrated. The problem is there wasn't really a reason to feel that way. That's what caught me off guard, I mean I'm supposed to be happy for this new opportunity, it's what I need, it's what B and I both need. Wasn't this the answer I had been praying about? Wasn't this what I wanted? Why did I feel so afraid? All I wanted was the overwhelming comfort and peace and I couldn't get it, and no matter how many times B told me it was all going to be OK, I just thought, "he's kidding himself, there's no way we are going to be able to make this whole thing work out". As soon as I thought it I did a double take, I've never thought that, in fact it's always been the opposite. It's always been right, and this is what I've always wanted. Then came the fear... again.
Then I called my mom and cried to her and usually she makes me feel better but that didn't do anything, just made me feel worse. B couldn't even try, even if he was only the phone, I just kept getting mad at him. Then I was just so sick of crying I just decided to go to sleep.
When I woke up I still didn't feel any better, and I still don't have a happy ending to my episode last night because I'm still confused by the way I feel. Not about how I feel about B, or getting married because I KNOW that's right, and I know that's what I want. That should be enough, and then I read this quote from Jenn...
Sometimes you feel like you lose everything but all you need is that ONE chip to
keep you in the game. Whatever that one thing is--hold on to it.
That's it. Hold on. Endure. It's when you are going through the bad things you rely on your bucket you've been filling up this whole time. It might not come all at one time, but it will come. It's all called FAITH. It also helps that I'm marrying one of the most patient people I've ever met, he tells me about a million times that it will be just fine. He's right though, it will be just fine.
Also, to my parents who continually give and give freely. I love you. Thank you for being everything I want to be someday and for helping me out when we need it the most. I will and would do anything for you, thank you for your sacrifice. I'm getting too emotional again... bless.
Ok and I'll chalk a little of this deep and emotional stuff to hormones ok?!
Have a blessed weekend. I'm going to spend it with some of those I love most, and I get one extra day with B and that in itself is worth it!
2 comments:
I LOVE YOU!!!!!
This reminds me of what I have been feeling{ish} lately the last year. Living here the first few months was awful. I hated it. I cried all the time, was so emotional was mean to Jachen a lot and just was so depressed. Not about being married, just being far from family and being in Switzerland. Luckily all those major crappy feelings are gone, I still hate being here, but am able to endure it more. I think it's part that we moved out of the boonies and also part time passing. Hard times are not fun especially when you can't control your emotions. But one thing I had to learn was that it was okay that I was sad about it all. I didn't have to be like others who are fine with changes like that, I could feel emotional about. I learned that being emotional didn't mean I was necessarily making wrong decisions and that I made a wrong choice to live in Switzerland. So, I am sure you will have many many more emotional times like this, but just know its only for a while and because you are sensitive. I think you are like me that you hold things so close to your heart therefore more emotional about things. IF that makes sense.
Also, now I get to have this scary fear of the process of moving back to the States. It's really scary. Every single thing about it. Will Jachen get a greencard? will he have a job or at least get into college? where will we live? Will I find a job? Will we save enough to move there? etttc etccc. Some scary stuff, I tell ya. But, I am trying sooo hard to have faith. Faith that God can make it an easy process us for us or at least that we will survive it all. Sometimes moments of doubt seeps in and I feel like NOTHING will work out and we will be bums. But I like what you said/wrote about the good that I have done, we have done is added up and some of that will help us in these times of need.
We hope that our toughest times of marriage are these first 2 years...but who knows what's in store for us!
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